It is rather ironic to have a group of college-bound seniors write an essay on how to succeed at high school. True, there are the odd ones who might genuinely think they managed it, but I would say the majority, including myself, have enough regrets that we are far more knowledgeable about failing at high school than succeeding at it. Oh, certainly it is always a good thing to look back, see your problems, and give others the advice they need to avoid them – but it is much more fun to elaborate on the ways you and others can fail in spectacular fashion. So, without further ado:
How to Interact with People
The first piece of advice I would like to give is this: when you’re walking down the hallway, don’t look around. Don’t check to see if someone is stuck behind that wall of you and your friends texting and walking. Don’t go to see who’s behind you when you suddenly stop and turn around on the stairs. And don’t even think about actually, I don’t know, walking quickly. Now, Grade 9’s, I know you have this down. Good job! You’ve taken a step on the road to success. For my somewhat older peers, this is a lesson you may need to relearn. I’m sure you can do it. It’s pretty clear that we humans naturally don’t have too much concern for strangers anyhow, so it can’t be too hard to give in to our baser urges and be again the Neanderthals we once were.
Once you’ve got this down, you should be able to figure out how to deal with people every other time, too. Cute girl compliments you on your shoes? Revel in how much nicer they are than hers, and then throw in a comment about her weight for good measure. That guy in your Chemistry class being annoying by asking you to explain stuff he doesn’t understand? Slap him across the face. Or better yet, give him detailed and specific notes that will make him get the questions wrong each and every time. While it is always right to ignore people or punish them for their imprudence, it takes deceit and trickery to really do things well.
How to Learn
Learning. Ohhh, boy. This is a tough one. Even the best of us have problems with this some of the time, and when one isn’t dedicated, it can be really difficult to ace that physics exam or pass that PE test. To get over this, it is essential that one practice good study techniques – repetition, dedication, perseverance, flash cards, a schedule, a few evenings locked away in your room, plugging away at some questions on the French Revolution while listening to soft jazz – ah, screw it. That takes time and effort. What about those things people always talk about? Book smarts, and street smarts? Well, if you can use the second one, why even bother trying to have the first one?
There’s bound to be some poor overachievers in the class willing to (with only the lightest of veiled threats) ‘share’ some of their work with you. And as for tests, well, I hear some people in Japan have invented a pen that can search the internet for the answers to your questions. Failing that, you might need to stay up all night cramming – but you’ll find that Red Bull, Tylenol, and mind-altering drugs do wonders for your ability to withstand sleep deprivation. When you walk into class for the first time all semester to write that final exam, eyes drooping, hair a mess, it will be with the knowledge that you have done everything you possibly could given that you have absolutely no desire to be anything more than a used car salesman. So wear that 54% badge with pride!
Perhaps that’s a bit harsh. Not putting in the time and effort required to get good grades doesn’t necessarily condemn you to a dead-end life. It just makes it a lot harder later on, like on the day you wake up in September of Grade 12 and realize, “Holy crap! I need to get my act together!” and then spend the next three months sitting in your room in the fetal position once you figure out how much work you have to do. You’ll eventually emerge, blinking in the bright sunlight, only to realize that December has begun and you have yet to actually start writing any application essays. And so again the rush will begin, and maybe – maybe! – you’ll make it to Capilano University. Not that there’s anything wrong with that, if it fits into your life’s plan; you just better not have had any other plans.
How to Balance the Two
Of course, you can’t live your whole life focusing on just other people, or just schoolwork. You need to have a good amount of each, in order to live a healthy, balanced lifestyle. There is an easy way to do this: text! Texting can solve all of one’s social and academic balancing problems. Feeling like a loner because you’re stuck inside doing a project? Texting can make it take longer while also facilitating social interaction through the electronic transmission of short textual messages!
For the technological luddite, there are always study groups. These are those times when you and your friends all bring your textbooks to someone’s house, then proceed to toss them in a pile on the floor while you sit around playing videogames or railing on about how much homework you have while doing everything in your power to avoid said homework. This has the benefit of making your parents think you’re being productive, though you are in fact being everything but.
By now, I hope you understand all the essential steps you need to take to make your early years as successful as possible. I firmly believe that if you follow all my instructions to the letter, you will have the best high school experience life has to offer. And if you don’t, well – better luck next time.



